Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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