Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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