I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
3pm strippers are depressing
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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