i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Acid is not a monday night drug
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
