Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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