at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
