Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
