somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
