Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
