Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
