God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
