the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
