My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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