She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
