We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Is it penis luge time yet?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
