About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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