she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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