Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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