Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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