HIV tests are more positive than that guy
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
