I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
