I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
