three words: i give head
three words: not that well
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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