I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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