she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
