You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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