If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
