I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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