He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
