It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
