he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
