he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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