I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
