When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
