Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
