I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
