It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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