Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
