how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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