Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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