sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
