I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
