I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
