Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
