Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
