She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
