I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
