how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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