its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
