You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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