who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
