do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
