While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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