WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows whatโs up
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
Randomize